Compartmentalization.

Last week, while I was on a business trip, I received some very sad news; a younger family member had unexpectedly died. I had just gotten to my hotel when I got the news; I had been trying to talk myself into going out to eat and for some reason could not get excited about it. Guess my intuition was trying to tell me something. I ended up ordering room service (not bad, but it of course ended up just sitting heavy on my stomach because of the sadness).  The member of my extended family had been a kind, funny, handsome man and wonderful father. Since I was on a business trip, though, I couldn't really mourn. It took all evening to process the news, and file it away to grieve later. That's not to say I wasn't sad - I was horribly, terribly sad, and my heart was so heavy - but there was nothing I could do but to keep that branch of my family in my thoughts, in my prayers, and chug along until I got home and/or learned of the service arrangements.

Yesterday I saw the obituary. It hit me then, it really did.  I had already made plans to go to the memorial service later this week, and so had that in mind while I worked to get through the next few days on the job. I've been able to talk about it a little while at work - again, compartmentalizing so I can maintain a level of professionalism with, say, my supervisor - but when at home, it keeps hitting me. Which is fine - I need to grieve now so I can better handle the memorial service in a few days. (I do try to keep in mind that those who are closer to the deceased and grieving harder do NOT need to deal with MY grief...I haven't worded that very clearly but I hope you get my meaning.)

I generally don't let myself cry often - it's not pretty when I cry, all redness and such - plus I get a headache, my sinuses hurt and my eyes/contacts sting.  So I dislike it. But last night it really hit me - his death - and my sadness for his immediate family. I cannot imagine what they are going through, or what anyone goes through when someone unexpectedly and suddenly just...dies. And it just hurt me.

It's hitting me tonight, a bit. It's not really going to get any easier on me - I'm an emotional person - until after the funeral. But I am going to try to be strong for the family - because, as I said, they are dealing with their own grief and do not need to deal with mine.

Give your family members a hug. Let them know how much you love them, because you never know what tomorrow may bring. And remember too that you never know what may be happening behind the scenes.

[And just a side note/rant: There is nothing wrong with being strong, it does NOT mean that I do not have emotions and feelings and it does NOT mean that I don't express them...and I would seriously like to throat-punch whoever made "emotion" into the verb "to emote". That is the worst, most clinical word ever - and a friend who sometimes doesn't know when to turn it off once told me, when I had gotten teary and upset once, that i had done well to emote. I seriously wanted to kick her in the shin. If I am teary, if I am upset, don't fucking tell me how good it is to emote. Tell me to let it all out, that it's ok, something, ANYTHING but saying "emote" and clinicalizing my feelings and my actions/reactions. (Unless, of course, you are an actual clinician but even then, don't you dare say it to me.)]