When I grow up, I want to be a ....

Oh, how I wish I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up. I'm still trying to figure that out.  I find myself envious of those people who seem to know what they want and seem to be doing what they love - or can at least tolerate well enough. How do they do it?

I have a rule. The moment I am truly unhappy - and I mean truly, not just stressed out in the moment, or because I'm new, or whatever - I give it some time, usually, and then if I am still unhappy, then I know that's real. And that's when I start looking for something else. Truth be told, if certain things were different at a certain place I used to work, I'd probably go back in a heartbeat. But alas, I know it's impossible for those certain things to be changed. And so I still seek...Seek that position/career path that I will actually enjoy.

I suppose there are reasons for my keeping up with a state licensure as a "just in case" - which is actually my reasoning for getting the license in the first place - just in case I got laid off. As my employer at that time was having layoffs at least once a year. Funny enough, two weeks before I started training for that license, it was my turn to get laid off. But I've only ever worked for myself, having a very small private practice and never working for anyone else. These days though? I am considering it. My only fear, or concern, is that I have some financial obligations that I'm not willing to forego. Though i've always firmly believed that you can almost always adjust your lifestyle as needed.

Then again...what if that is what I am supposed to be doing? I never wanted to do it full-time unless it was necessary...but maybe I should have, because it does make me happy. So maybe I should work to become a healer of sorts. I had aspirations to do so in my younger years...yoga teacher, massage, Reiki, reflexology...but dash it all, that darn need for financial security and stability has always gotten in the way. But maybe, just maybe, I should just take a leap of faith. A terrifying leap into the unknown. And with no safety net....maybe I need to wait a little longer, build up a financial safety net. I mean, I'm single - not that marriage would necessarily be better, but I feel like my married friends do have that safety net - but there is no other income in this household other than mine. and that scares me half to death. I know we should not live our lives based on fear - and I don't think I am - but I really find it necessary to have some kind of financial security.

On the other hand...if taking that leap of faith will ultimately make me happy doing what I'm doing...Maybe I should just jump. Hmmm....more thinking is needed, I feel.

Passion...?

How does one go about finding one's  passion? Truly, I am asking. I just did a thing on facebook where the video plays and you take a screenshot to see what it stopped on to find out "what you will manifest in 2017". Mine was "passion." I gotta say, right now I'm not sure even what to do to find it, and I just feel discouraged.  I am in a position of employment that I have been in for about less than a year - still in that period of adjustment and learning - and I'm not sold on it. Sure, there are things I like about it, but there are plenty of things I don't like, and the amount of stress I often feel is one of them. And I know some of that stress is just from being new and lacking some of that confidence that comes with experience. But lordy, is it tough sometimes to just suck it up and stick it out, until that feeling of being settled in sets in.
In the meantime, though, I wonder - did I make a mistake career-wise? Should I have stayed where I was before? I was good at it, it was a short commute, paid reasonably well. I liked the folks I worked with - at least mostly, which is as much as can be said for most places I think. :)  That's not to say I don't like the people  I work with now, it's more that it's such a different kind of situation that it's hard to compare the two groups.
Part of me wonders if I need to go back to what I know, what I used to do years ago. Maybe I made a wrong turn somewhere. Maybe I need to come full circle. Or maybe it's just the stress of the newer position making me think  along those lines. A friend of mine contacted me a few weeks ago about a position at her company; I was interested, and it certainly got me thinking, but unfortunately it was a no-go. It made me realize that life is short; I need to find something I enjoy, that I find meaningful...or that at least makes me happier than I feel right now.
Another part of me starts wishing I had a special someone in my life, someone who could support me in my decisions (I'm not necessarily talking financially), who could act as a sounding board, who could help me work through decisions in life. I don't know where this guy is, but I seriously am ready to meet him. I don't mean jump into marriage or anything, but to just have someone around to talk about such things would be amazing.
Ah well, woe is me, right? I've been doing this on my own for so long, making decisions on my own and then hoping for the best...I'm sure in a couple of months I'll be feeling just fine about everything. Or at least mostly so. as I am an accomplished person, successful in many ways, having made some actual good career decisions along the way. It's just the current one that I'm questioning, because it's hard, what I do. It's also rather a lonely job, this position I now have. More so than I could have imagined. (And it's not like I have anyone at home to keep the home fires burning, so to speak, or to need a break from haha.)  Like I said, there are certainly things I really enjoy but holy COW, there are things I intensely dislike so far.
They say you should find something you are passionate about, or that you thoroughly enjoy...How on earth does one figure this out? Or is my mind just too practical to really get creative?

Compartmentalization.

Last week, while I was on a business trip, I received some very sad news; a younger family member had unexpectedly died. I had just gotten to my hotel when I got the news; I had been trying to talk myself into going out to eat and for some reason could not get excited about it. Guess my intuition was trying to tell me something. I ended up ordering room service (not bad, but it of course ended up just sitting heavy on my stomach because of the sadness).  The member of my extended family had been a kind, funny, handsome man and wonderful father. Since I was on a business trip, though, I couldn't really mourn. It took all evening to process the news, and file it away to grieve later. That's not to say I wasn't sad - I was horribly, terribly sad, and my heart was so heavy - but there was nothing I could do but to keep that branch of my family in my thoughts, in my prayers, and chug along until I got home and/or learned of the service arrangements.

Yesterday I saw the obituary. It hit me then, it really did.  I had already made plans to go to the memorial service later this week, and so had that in mind while I worked to get through the next few days on the job. I've been able to talk about it a little while at work - again, compartmentalizing so I can maintain a level of professionalism with, say, my supervisor - but when at home, it keeps hitting me. Which is fine - I need to grieve now so I can better handle the memorial service in a few days. (I do try to keep in mind that those who are closer to the deceased and grieving harder do NOT need to deal with MY grief...I haven't worded that very clearly but I hope you get my meaning.)

I generally don't let myself cry often - it's not pretty when I cry, all redness and such - plus I get a headache, my sinuses hurt and my eyes/contacts sting.  So I dislike it. But last night it really hit me - his death - and my sadness for his immediate family. I cannot imagine what they are going through, or what anyone goes through when someone unexpectedly and suddenly just...dies. And it just hurt me.

It's hitting me tonight, a bit. It's not really going to get any easier on me - I'm an emotional person - until after the funeral. But I am going to try to be strong for the family - because, as I said, they are dealing with their own grief and do not need to deal with mine.

Give your family members a hug. Let them know how much you love them, because you never know what tomorrow may bring. And remember too that you never know what may be happening behind the scenes.

[And just a side note/rant: There is nothing wrong with being strong, it does NOT mean that I do not have emotions and feelings and it does NOT mean that I don't express them...and I would seriously like to throat-punch whoever made "emotion" into the verb "to emote". That is the worst, most clinical word ever - and a friend who sometimes doesn't know when to turn it off once told me, when I had gotten teary and upset once, that i had done well to emote. I seriously wanted to kick her in the shin. If I am teary, if I am upset, don't fucking tell me how good it is to emote. Tell me to let it all out, that it's ok, something, ANYTHING but saying "emote" and clinicalizing my feelings and my actions/reactions. (Unless, of course, you are an actual clinician but even then, don't you dare say it to me.)]

Overused.

I just have to get this off my chest. Truly. In the digital age especially, there are some words used that just really need to have limits.

Thanks to social media (I'm guessing, anyway), we now have the written word all over the damn place, and thanks to laziness (again, guessing), we have overuse of certain words. I mean, really...(and yes, that's probably one of them right there!).... We are all adults. Many of us are (over?)educated...I like to think most have at least a high school education (diploma or GED).  Did you know that newspapers and magazines generally write to a 4th or 5th grade reading level? I remember learning that in grade school and being rather surprised. I understand periodicals needing to reach a wide audience, though.

The thing is, we need to use our brains a bit more. Instead of using the same tired old phrases, let's try to work on some vocabulary and heck, even creativity.

Can we please find another word for "yummy"? Pretty please? I am so tired of it. Same for "noms", "adorbs", "totes", etc. It's not cute. It's not hip. It's pretty damn annoying.

And how about "too cute", "too funny", "TOO" anything?  Do you mean it's too whatever, so much so you can't handle it? Like maybe you shouldn't even be looking at it?

(oh, I know "like" is another one...but so help me that one is hard to remove from speech, much less writing.)

And please...for the love of God...learn how to spell "DEFINITELY". It's really not the same thing as "defiantly"...and "definately" is not a word.  Also - there are two "a"s in "separate", not three "e"s.

Ooooh, another one:  AWE is a feeling of reverential respect/fear/wonder. AWW is a polite noise one makes when one sees or reads or is told something that causes an emotion (e.g. something is very cute, or very saddening, etc.)  This one drives me up. the. wall. And yet NOBODY seems to get it.

Sigh... That's all I can think of right now. Any others?

Update: Thought of a couple more. :)
"Kiddo" is a word that for some reason grates on my nerves. I know, it's a cutesy way to talk about your offspring and/or others'.

"Sweet". Surely we can find other words to describe the kindness of others? "My sweet husband..", "my sweet friend", etc.

Family, friends, happiness, sadness...and an old flame...?

So this past weekend was pretty awesome, albeit busy. Lots of fun, some sad. Some emotion as well that I cannot define and may never be able to (or may never admit to?). 

Friday night I took my 12-year-old nephew out to dinner, just the two of us. I told him we would go to whatever kind of restaurant he wanted (and my fingers were crossed that he wouldn't want sushi...he IS from SoCal after all).  We ended up at a local Chinese restaurant that was really quite good - I had never been to this place before, so I was pleasantly surprised. While at dinner, I learned that he was in fact interested in going to see the Minions movie - I hadn't been certain, since he's, you know, 12 and all. And I wasn't sure I was 100% interested in a movie about cyclopsian twinkies.  So he talked me in to it, and I bought tickets for a Saturday show while we were at the table waiting on our food.

Turns out, it was mainly about only 3 of the minions (instead of all 800 or whatever), and it was actually a pretty cute movie. Afterward, we went to my folks' house, where my second cousin and her family were coming over. They had just moved to the area a few weeks ago - and are already super happy with the move (of course, in my opinion, anywhere is better than our hometown).  We all, littles included, went to the neighborhood pool for an hour or so, and then came back to eat barbecue. It was such a nice visit - such a great day. I think everybody really enjoyed themselves.

Sunday...Ahh, Sunday. This was the day of the "tumult" of emotions. I was heading to San Antonio for a visitation at a funeral home. Sadness. My best friend from college's father-in-law passed away. 

So I arrive at the funeral home and surprise them. My best friend gives me a tight hug, which of course makes us both teary - and I think her husband started feeling emotional too. It makes me so very glad though that I made the decision to drive down for that. I hung around for a bit, visiting with her parents and other family members (we've been friends for over 20 years, after all!), and I didn't want to drive all that way just to say hi and bye.  

While I was hanging around chatting, three of her husband's friends from work arrived. Two of these guys I hadn't seen since the wedding some 13 years ago.  One of the two said hi to me, and another one chatted a little with me after my friend's hubby re-introduced us.  The third one? Ohhh my. The third one is the old flame. 

About 10 years ago, we had a bit of a long-distance relationship - though it was mainly talking on the phone for a few months. It didn't last long- and the rational part of me knew it wouldn't, as I knew he had said he didn't want a long-distance anything...but that didn't keep me from feeling like I fell fairly hard for him.  But oh my, to see him again, unexpectedly (though I suppose I should have expected to see him)....I have had no expectations of ever having any kind of communication with him, but I sort of expected acknowledgement of my existence at the funeral home. But I digress. 

Unexpectedly seeing him again - It was one of those moments where, in a split second, I thought several thoughts: "Why am I only wearing mascara today--why didn't I put on full makeup?" "At least I'm having a great hair day!" And then it went into the ridiculous: "Does he not recognize/remember me?" "I wonder what he's thinking, seeing me again!" And so on.  Just ridiculous. This was 10 years ago. Seriously, girl, you just need to keep your brain from doing this. 

And then, after I'd been there for over an hour, it was time for me to head back to Austin. Driving north on 281, I called a friend of mine to discuss. I was having a multitude of emotions - or at least a couple. Sadness at death, happiness that I got to see my friends (even if under such circumstances)...and....and...how DID I feel about seeing him? I think that, honestly, I may have felt some level of excitement at seeing him again, or something. But I think that the happiness at seeing my friends after a long time overwhelmed any excitement or whatever I felt at seeing him. At least that's what I'm going to go with. 

Drowning

I regularly hear about all the trials and tribulations of having kids, from my friends who are parents. And of course I always half-jokingly (or maybe full-jokingly) make a comment that I'll just stick with dogs. Friday I went to lunch with a work friend and she told me about some of the stuff going on with her kids, and of course I made my typical statement....and then late that afternoon, she got a text from her son, something along the lines of "I'm ok, the cops are here, and told us we can't say anything right now." Of course, her first reaction was, "Ok, are you in trouble?"  A little while later I think he called her to tell her a little more of what's going on - while they were at the lake, one of his friends had gone under and nobody had seen him come back up. These kids are only 16 - so very young to have to die, or to have to deal with the death of a friend. I told her to keep me posted, and that I'd pray that they would find him soon. Some 40 hours later, they finally found him. I had kept hoping, Friday evening when she finally left, that they would find him playing a stupid prank and hiding from everyone. So very sad. He had in fact drowned - they found him about 40 hours later. The group of kids spent the weekend together, grieving. Last night there was a candlelight vigil for him. My guess is that he probably got a cramp or something. Drowning doesn't look the way it does in the movies - no yelling and waving the arms, slapping the water, etc. Be safe out there on the water!

From Wikipedia: 

"Contrary to the normal popularisation of drowning as a highly visible behavior, involving shouting, abrupt or violent movements such as splashing and waving, and visible difficulty—which is a related phenomenon, known as aquatic distress, which often but not always precedes drowning—the "instinctive drowning response" is noiseless and confined to subtle movements. 

While distress and panic may sometimes take place beforehand, drowning itself is deceptively quick and often silent. A person at, or close to, the point of drowning is unable to keep their mouth above water long enough to breathe properly and is unable to shout. Lacking air, their body cannot perform the voluntary efforts involved in waving or seeking attention. Involuntary actions operated by the autonomic nervous system involve lateral flapping or paddling with the arms to press them down into the water in the effort to raise the mouth long enough to breathe, and tilting the head back. As an instinctive reaction, this is not consciously mediated nor under conscious control."  

...be present...

I've practiced yoga for years, and one of the hardest tenets is to be present in the moment. Don't think about the future, don't focus on the past, but just be in the moment. So very difficult but I think when you are able to do it, then life is so much more...enjoyable. Because you are not thinking about what you need to do tomorrow (or even later today) or fretting about something that you did yesterday (or an hour ago). You are noticing the NOW and everything with it. Even trying to take pictures takes away from the moment....though we are all guilty of wanting the perfect photo to remember by. 

I think part of this practice is to also notice how you are feeling in each moment, and how (or if) it is serving you. If someone is saying something to you and you are feeling negative (or having a negative reaction), perhaps you should stop, take a moment, and consider what it is that is making you feel this way, why, and where the other person is coming from. Because you can change how you react. I feel like many of us react before really considering what is going on, which can then make the other person defensive and then any further discussion is ultimately not very fruitful. But if you are in the moment, maybe you take a few seconds to digest what they have to say, can maybe see why they are saying it, and can have a more positive or more productive response which may lead to better results. This too is difficult because I feel like we have become so addicted to instant gratification - and I saw a quote recently too that states it perfectly: "We do not listen to understand, we listen to reply." As someone is speaking to us, instead of being present in the moment, we start analyzing what they are saying, and - more so - we are preparing our response...but without truly and completely listening to them. 

These are habits or practices that I am by no means an expert at, but that seem to me to make sense to make life just a little bit better.